Something Borrowed Always Blue

i sat listening to this song on repeat one night and wrote you a note. i listened to this song until it lost it's meaning and the night had spread itself thin over the world. the note i wrote you still remains. the cruel black and white stuck to the page. the tattoo you can't cover up. and it's meaning too, is lost. so all i have left is this song that i'm listening to on repeat. and it's changed so much since the last time i heard it. like revisting a place you loved as a child only to find it's been turned into a parking lot.

"I don't think that I ever loved you more than when you turned away."

Dear New,

I know you're still asleep in your bed. Your eyelids still fastened shut without a hint of sunlight piercing through to rouse your mind. But my mind has been awake for hours sweeping every memory of you I can find out of the corners. Trying to convince myself if you're really real, or if you were a beautiful perfect dreamers invention. If, in a moment that stood still even with constant interuption, you were really the smiling face. If you were really the warm body. If you were really the touching hand. If you were really the undivided attention. The searching eyes. The person who burrowed deep inside and makes me want to assure your now rousing mind, that it was not all a dream. Don't ponder simple doubts that will make you stay away. My laugh, my smile, my heart was all yours. Yesterday the night before.

 

I'm not a fan of name brands but I want this label. One word. One name. Yours. Etched on every adornment I possess. You're my latest fashion. My favorite accessory. Take care with every thread of every stitch of everything that holds it all together. Cuffs and chains and plaid on silk. I fit into you like hands in gloves. I want this label. Why do you have to be so far out of my price range?

Dearest Unlonely,

I don't want to be your favorite enemy. Why can it be that no two people feel the same way at the same time? Your smile's on fire. And still my heart won't let you down. -Xavia-

I just want you to know that even though I've let you go my heart never gives in. Still echoing your name in every beat. The steady rhythm never falters tho my mind wonders. It's as if they didn't belong to the same person. Still...ever persistant, the wondering of my mind always seems to find a way to sleep beside you. Exhausted from the rapid pace it keeps trying to flee from the memory of your eyes.

I got my wish. My one unmentioned fragile request. The thing that left a dent. But I'm hopeful still that the kindness I felt glowing so warm from you will return with the spring.

Please know that you still have me. That I wish you well. And despite the consequence I will remain unrelentingly yours. I had nothing but the best intentions.

 

Yours

Sometimes it seems too easy to pretend. If I smile a lot and laugh then nobody suspects a thing. But sometimes it makes me sick just thinking of how hard I actually have to try. And it hurts to have no one to turn to. And that's my fault for never letting anyone know. My stomach feels uneasy and my eyes are fighting back tears. How many memories can I shove into this closet before they eventually burst out? How can I pretend you're not there when you're all that ever has been? This will be my first New Years without you in 5 years. And this thought is crushing me. I've had someone to kiss at midnight for so long that, tonight when everyone else is celebrating, I'll shatter. I can't pretend to be okay right now. And I shouldn't have to.

Part of me wishes you would do something awful to make me hate you. Just so I could stop. Just so there would be some sort of end to everything there's no reason for. You're the first person I think of when I wake and I don't even know you. Somewhere buried at the bottom of my heart I can only hope that you'll never respond. That there will never be a new message in my inbox with your name attached to it. That way this could all end. And I could stop wasting my time wishing for someone who will never be there.

I'm running out of cute things to say because they've been replaced with absolute honesty.

I've stared into the mirror a thousand times. Facing off against myself just to see what I'm really made of. Trying to see some piece of me left looking out from behind my eyes. But all I see is you.

And in the mirror it's like you think that I can't see the ghost that you are. The ghost of the man you've become. And all of your shiny new things won't fill the empty spaces. The graves you've dug. Your mind is a cemetary. And I sleep there.

I made you the mascot of my fleeting heart. Investments of time and thought should never be charged interest. Your smile is the crescent moon. Always waxing never waning. The face of salvation for a crowd of adoring size youth smalls. The disguise of kindess hides the heartbreaker. Win me over with your demonstration. It's not for profit. You're a volunteer. Convince me that you're just like me when behind your eyes lie...Your eyes lie. And you never had to say a word to make me believe you. Just don't make your next show my disapearing act.

 

"Take aim at myself, take back what you said" -Sugar We're Going Down, Fall Out Boy-

Chasing the second hand on a clock. Around and around we go. Running circles in my head chasing a cab down the street around a block of cement. Through a door into the cold. I see your breath rising in clouds and follow behind just close enough to breathe them in. The taste of exhaled smoke entering my lungs. The fulfillment of the chase. Into a dark room with colored lights. Moving against steam filled bodies dripping wet. Music filled marionettes. I close my eyes and reach. Around your neck. Through your hair. and pull. Lips and sweat and eyes and skin. If all we are is all alone. We're born alone. We die alone. Beautiful nameless. Consentual stranger. Lets leave together. And wake up alone.

This is the letter I will never write you.

Dear You,

I know I'm not the first and I certainly won't be the last to have this feeling. And I find that comforting somehow. I find myself replaying that night over and over in my mind. I close my eyes and all I can see is your face. I play it back in slow motion. The first time you walked across my path and freezing up was all I could do to not melt. Our eyes locked and I swear to you that from that moment on the only person I see is you. With one look you wrapped me around your finger. Without one word said more to me than a thousand songs could sing. I know this is crazy. I just have to say this. To try to find some sort of comfort when I feel so close to you when you're so far away. This distance will not do. Every second is filled with resentment of it. Every second makes this space seem greater. And it's debilitating knowing I can't change this. Why did I find you if all I have is a feeling and a picture? Why do I feel this way if all we ever had was that night? Can I take it all back and never have driven that distance. Can I not walk into the venue. Can I keep my eyes on the ground and never have seen you pass by. Never watched you take the stage. Never walked to the back of the room where you were. Never felt you so near only to know that it may never happen again. Even with as nostalgic as the night was the best part of it was you. And this anger inside me subsides everytime I felt how your smile awoke something in me that I thought had died. And I'll never regret anything I've said or the distance I'll go if you're in this with me. Perhaps the distance I'm willing to go will make the end destination your address. Maybe your tour route will bring you to mine.

Believe me when I say that if you felt what I felt the moment we looked in each others eyes, there is no world that will keep us apart.

I love you always and never, Me

Nothing good can come of this. Dead end streets after 5 hour drives. One face out of maximum capacity. Let's not make promises to beautiful strangers. Let's not pretend our thoughts weren't identical every time our eyes met. Let's not forget there were other places to go, but we remained discretely near. To maintain peripheral. I couldn't take my eyes off you. A breath a second. The slow countown to heartache. Every minute passing is one I share with you. Every song is one step closer to your departure from this moment. At least I can say we had one. Plaid on plaid. I'm not ready to let you go just yet. Here in the middle. This photograph is proof. I've never seen eyes so blue.

I don't want to see you become just another label that read, "The one that got away."

Lowest lows. My moods fluxuate like an EKG. Pages of a calendar are like a growth chart to me. My newly abused grasp on reality. This too will pass. My list of symptoms are like song lyrics. Long and melodic. The diagnosis doctor. What's wrong with me? Let me think about that and get back to you.

 

This written with love: by Angrykndy aka Santi Baby aka Popcorn_Icon aka TheHannaLee aka Girlindabackrow aka DeliberateGeek aka Lyke Woah

These dark days do me no good. The overcast coat I pull tight around me. The cold cutting into the skin that covers my boiling blood. My knuckles crack and burn. I breathe in deep suffocating gasps. The scent of winter waking is a constant reminder of what it feels like waking up alone. Like the wiggling loose tooth you can't bare to pull free for fear of the unignorable hole it will leave. Loneliness has a funny way of making your smile seem amazing. A way of reminding me what your wide open eyes looked like studying my face in the dark. A way of making me see a glorified face that I grew to hate appear every time I close my eyes. It's like running my finger over words written on a dry erase board. Soft smooth strokes cutting out pieces of the message I wrote to always remember that at one time I ran as fast as I could away from you and promised myself I'd never follow my tracks in the snow back. This cold may kill me but you won't anymore.

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
Can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
You wont take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

-Paramore-

Give me the strength...to let everything go. To watch it all fall apart. To lose everything. Give me the courage...to self destruct. To push the detonation button. To pull the trigger. Give me peace from everything that haunts me. Give me resurrection from the grave I've slept in for the last 5 years.

Help me forget what it was I saw in you once. Help me remember I never saw you at all.

Love. The most beautiful thing and the worst killer.

Love. The code etched on every cell of our skin.

Love. The most overly abused substance.

 

Strings of lights wrapped around your room. Like flames blocking my exit. I feel tied to this place. Exquisit comfort in going unnoticed once again. I closed my eyes tight making wishes on every starlike bulb that still shone through the darkness of my curtained eyelids. And when I opened them I looked at you for the first time............and I hated you. Your unmanaged hair. Your long thin fingers in their constant nervous twitching. Your back is all I know of you. A voice projecting from the other side of the back of your head. A face I cant miss. A gripping black ribbon wrapping itself around my insides and pulling everything together. My knees rise up to my chest with no relief. I feel like the back of my eyes are crying. But I wont.

Am I standing up for myself if I stand up right now? One heavy step at a time I move forward.

Up and up to your front door. My heart is racing but its not from the climb. My lead filled shoes. My splinted legs. My heart has stopped.

I have never seen your eyes look the way they did when I saw you reach the top of the stairs. Like broken windows. Like The Early Novembers, Ever So Sweet. As I pulled my black coat around me and stepped into the cold darkness of pride.

Beware of those who fall in love very quickly and very passionately.  Chances are they'll hate you the exact same way.

If I'm dying for you now will I ever live for you later? You make me love you for all of your indifference you push upon me. You make me love you for all the ways you cannot love yourself. And standing outside in the cold. The dark folds us like a blanket into one another. Still we remain separate. When all I want is to hold your hand. When all you want is to forget how to smile. I have sliced my heart open for you. Completely suspended. Completely gaping open. Fill the empty in me. Or at least ask me to come inside.

The only thing better than being in love is sharing a coffin.

If these were the last words

will i let you slip from my life and my thoughts

like passing storm clouds.

like a fever breaks after days of sleep.

would you just go

will you stay

if i asked nicely

if i screamed in your face

if i fell to the floor

would you stay

if i never asked at all

Im hopelessly devoted to this hopelessness. Cupids piercing arrow has once again stabbed me in the back. A rotation of silly love songs on a loop. A satisfying sigh. Your eyes say too much while your lips say nothing. You wear my heart on a bracelet tight around your wrist. But your pulse drowns out the steady rhythm and its left unnoticed. Like the smile I show only you while youre looking at your shoes. Sullen words for a heavy heart. An anvil of forgotten emotions dropped into the sea. Youre the red balloon that broke free from a careless grasp floating lonely through a vast blue sky.